Words and Music by Dottie Burman

You'll have a lovely catered divorce

At the nicest new hotel in town, of course!

All your friends and relatives will come to share the day.

You know they'll all be pleased, they never liked him anyway.

We'll pose you for a photograph or two.

Your ex-to-be will have his back to you.

You'll wear a sentimental veil and gown your mother had.

She wore it on that special day when she divorced your Dad.

The ceremony by the local justice of the peace.

Will be so moving everyone will cry.

He'll say, "You are no longer man-and-wife, you are released,"

While the band is playing "There Goes the Bride."

You won't forget your catered divorce.

You'll have cocktails and hors d'oeuvres, champagne, of course!

The dinner will be elegant, the finest we can make.

We'll even put two fighting figurines right on the cake.

We'll use plaster when we ice it. You'll need an ax to slice it.

Use gentle force. Then you'll be happy with your catered divorce.

The flowers for your catered divorce

Will be poison ivy floral wreathes, of course.

The colors of the tablecloths and menus picked by you

Will all coordinate so well, in shades of black and blue!

You'll have a proper catered divorce.

You'll give back all the wedding gifts, of course.

You'll wrap up all the silverware, the china and the brass.

You'll scratch off all the monograms from every plate and glass.

You'll toss away your wedding ring instead of your bouquet.

The one who gets to catch it feels sublime.

If your lawyer asks you for a dance, you'll waltz the night away.

But he may send you a bill for his time.

Then after the festivites are done,

We know that you'll be ready for more fun.

We'll plan your island honeymoon, the nicest that there is.

You'll go off with your new man -

And he'll go off with his!

It's the modern way to do it,

The only way to view it.

Why feel remorse?

When it's over, have a catered divorce!